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January 2008 
Dealing with difficult people?
Lucente
Apparently, I am in the proverbial graduate level course of learning to deal with difficult people — once and for all. (I hope ...) But I think I can safely assume this, as I absolutely know I am in the midst of finals week for this Life Lesson! ;-)
And, while thankfully I am not alone is this course ... It is not always an easy thing to deal with difficult people — even if they are merely paper tigers!
About a month ago, I wrote about finding a rhythm. Just putting the words together seemed to empower me as I moved through a very difficult time of my life. And, honestly, it was more of a conclusion of said time, but it seemed fierce and ever-threatening. However, the view from this side of it enables me to see it as one of the most empowering and clarifying experiences I have been blessed to be a part of ...
So, my two tips for dealing with difficult people are:
1. Be patient.
2. Be quiet.
And while I realize that those two forms of (in)action may, at first glance, appear to be the very last way anyone wants to deal with people who seem to thrive on belittling or inflicting pain upon others ... I can testify that it does in fact disable to the process. And, in truth, clogs the flow of aggravation for you, as well as the flow of supposed satisfaction for the "difficult" person.
Reacting, participating, going tit-for-tat only feeds the monster. Silence pulls the plug of the fuel supply! And, after all, you have probably said all there is to be said. Right? Difficult people do not want resolution anyway; they turn a deaf eye to the voice of reason.
So, what to do with all those perfect one-liners playing in your head when you recall a situation with said difficult person?? Journal, scream them at full volume, vent to a friend or allow the scene to play out in your head. Be as ridiculous and as loud and as rude as you feel like.
Then, return to who you are and realize that wrestlin' with a pig only makes you muddy and mad — while the pig enjoys every minute!
Determine where your boundaries are with the "difficult people" in your life. Close the gate, post the Keep Out sign! And consider said action on your part a personal favor to the folks who just seem to thrive on chaos and doing their part to maintain it! ;-)
Arrogance and rudeness are training wheels on the bicycle of life — for weak people who cannot keep their balance without them. ~Laura Teresa Marquez
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Gorgeous photo. I love it, because it is a typical fall scene I would love to paint, but then there's the gate and the “Keep Out” sign, so it's like the invitation has been canceled. This blog is so perfect. I used to spend so much of my vital life energy either a) fuming about difficult people, and/or b) trying to talk them. Your advice is the only way I've found to deal with them. “Be patient. Be quiet.” It truly does “pull the plug on the fuel supply.”
Bless you for this post. Your advice is right on the money here. There are times in our lives when we are in positions of having to be with difficult people. Sometimes we can walk away and sometimes we either can't, or there is more to lose by walking away abruptly and my feeling is - why let them in and make your decisions.
1. Be patient
2. Be quiet
I love this and would give the exact advice you have given. Set boundaries and that doesn't have to be a speech to that difficult someone. Silence really is golden. People who like to control or manipulate and are difficult in personality have serious issues. Being quiet and maintaining dignity is often the only way to handle these people. Why fuel their fire? To give them energy is to sacrifice yourself for nothing. To exude the energy of your own self-awareness is far better. We are responsible for our own behavior and to be reactionary is pointless. Besides, sometimes they are intrigued by the mystery of others being quiet and in control. They end up having more respect for you if you don't get down in the mud with them. This is much different than being a doormat - that is an entirely different thing.
Great post!
Your advice is perfect. Difficult people thrive on attention. Why give them more energy?
1. Be patient
2. Be quiet
So right, and its really easier to do than one would think because the reality is that being reactionary never solves a thing except distance in the moment. Staying within one's own dignity creates self-awareness and power. At the end of the day (and believe me, I work for a tough one and in this short time that I have, I have imagined him naked with his socks on and dog poop on his head just to get myself centered), standing in one's own dignity is farther reaching than anyone can imagine. People who are truly difficult have issues that we can't change. Maybe they're right where they belong in their lives, who knows. Boundaries can be established without shouting or getting down in the mud with someone else.
Now if someone is a doormat, that's a different story. Then they need to do more than establish boundaries.
Excellent post. Thank you!
Hey, Otter and Jackie! :-) It is both comforting and empowering to read your comments of affirmation. The doormat thing is completing different. But there is a fine line to walk sometimes in the discovery, or decision, regarding when and how to walk away (be patient and quiet) and not become a doormat.
Jackie, your comment, “Sometimes we can walk away and sometimes we either can't, or there is more to lose by walking away abruptly and my feeling is - why let them in and make your decisions.” resonates with me. And, actually, it puts words to what I am facing at the moment.
Otter, the cancelled invitation you mentioned, sums up another element of my current situation. Sort of a bait and switch situation which I finally acknowledge as such! (Instead of wishin' and hopin' it could be different … It is what it is!)
The image I posted is a visual of exactly what I felt … That gate is at the end of a main road that would ultimately dead-ended at the river, if one continued to drive.
That sign and the gate were a oracle, directing me as to what to do: Restrict access to private property … A haven in the midst of absolute beauty. (I have the option — the free-will choice — to open the gate or keep it locked.